Five Annoying Starbucks People
I happen to love working from Starbucks. The green awnings, the smell of South American beans that have been soaked in river water, the sounds of blenders changing the chemistry of dairy. It’s a great place to muse and to write. I’m a writer, so I love the people watching that helps me cope with long articles. I think of other people the same way as I think of violent predator animals: they are fun to watch, but distance is important. Like, super important.
And sitting at Starbucks isn’t without risks. Here are some people and situations at Starbucks and my advice on how to handle them without dying.
Someone Ask You What You Are Drinking
For some reason, there are lots of people who think Starbucks is super interesting. It is almost like they feel as though they are wandering around a Comic Con.
“Hey, what character are you today?”
At Starbucks, if your drink isn’t in the clear plastic cold container, you are a sitting duck for people looking to rifle through your personal business. It usually feels super intrusive when it happens.
“Hey, what’s in that drink?”
I usually tell them fluid and cyanide, low-fat soy.”
Typically it is conversation over at this point.
You Sit By A Sneezer
Germs are pretty much a side-dish at Starbucks. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve sat down for some old fashioned productivity only to have some person start sneezing up a storm. My first instinct is to hand them a tissue, ask them if they are OK, and then mace them. The problem with that is, however, it’s illegal (the mace, not the tissue – tissue is legal).
The solution here is to either live, or choose death by malaria.
You Need An Outlet
Power is everything if you intend upon working from Starbucks. A few hours in and all your technology will fail without Benjamin Franklin’s juice surging. Most Starbucks have a few positions which offer power. If you are in a new Starbucks, they tend to have power outlets all over. If you are in an old one, you might be SOL.
Most commonly, a Starbucks troll will be occupying a seat near a power outlet. These people are like the most inconvenient rashes mankind has ever invented. I’m kidding, these folks don’t even know they are blocking the mothership from fueling up. They have no idea why sharks are circling them while they drink a Frappucino and text mom.
The solution, and yes, you are going to hate this, is to talk to them. I know, there is nothing worse than interacting with other humans at Starbucks, but unless you want to get that low battery indicator alert on your Macbook Pro while replying to an email from China, you might want to pony up some sweet communications.
Remember, that person is going to hate you for talking to them just as well. We all pretty much hate each other. But so long as you are nice, they are likely to just want you to go away enough to move somewhere else so that you can attach back to the electrical grid and become one with society again.
You Need To Poop
MOST Starbucks, like their Keurig (K-Cups), are single user experiences. This means so long as no one else is in there, you will get a private pooping experience. Just make sure you lock the door because you don’t want to have to do the walk of shame back to your seat and pass the cute girl who thought she could get away peeing in the guy’s bathroom. Being caught with toilet paper in your hand in a squatted Yoga position is a real game changer and could forever scar you. If your Starbucks bathroom happens to allow for your cell phone signal, enjoy, life is blessed.
The WI-FI Is Super Slow
Slow WI-FI means that you aren’t going to be able to be as productive as you like. It also can be infuriating when one of your unemployed friends sends you an amazing Youtube and it simply refuses to play.
Slow WI-FI at Starbucks is typically a result of too many people on the network at one time. The easiest way to solve this is to walk around and look at people’s screens and determine if they should be using Starbucks network data. If they aren’t, explain to them that they should leave immediately and go to a bagel shop. If they refuse, consider the option of unplugging their laptop, packing it up for them and helping them carry it to the door. This “could” cause violence, which is bad, so be careful.
The conclusion is, Starbucks is awesome. People are not as awesome. Enjoy your coffee, friends.