How Southwest Airlines Is Really Satan’s Portal
Flying. Boy, can it suck? But unless you are somehow able to travel thousands of miles across oceans and time zones using a really killer skateboard, you best figure out how to get along with the airline industry. Going to the airport is a similar experience to playing chess in a burning building, it is complicated, and you only have so much time until you are totally screwed.
Southwest Airlines Is Satan’s Portal
One of the most popular airlines is SouthWest Airlines. And for a good reason, they have lots of commercials on TV. Their commercials are energetic and fun. They make it seem as though if you fly on their planes, your airline experience will be totally different. Look, they don’t claim to remove the TSA wand from your armpits and underwear, but they do claim to offer their passengers a more, contemporary, experience.
And that’s all true, until, you arrive at their boarding gate. That’s where the commercial ends and the hell-herd begins. The departing gate area of SouthWest Airlines looks like a goat herding pasture.
No assigned seats
Southwest Airlines claim to fame, no assigned seating, is also their biggest flaw. Because you have to line up to board the plane, you have tons of anxious annoying people pushing and shoving their way into assigned line spaces. On a regular airline, you get to sit down and chill and wait for them to call you boarding group. Then you enter the plane and go to your seat. Your seat is your seat. Don’t like it? Put your butt down in the seat anyways or beg an old person to switch.
On Southwest, you are stuck standing for 10 minutes before boarding, when you could have been sitting the entire time. Of course, you can sit in the SWA line if you so please, but expect to have some guy’s jock smashing against your face.
People also tend to disturb you because they have to ask you what number you are so they can figure out if they are ahead of you. The last thing an airport should do is give more reasons for strangers to bother one another. I’m already pissed, please don’t make it worse by encouraging some lady in sweatpants with a ginormous purse to bug me while I have with headphones and music.
Once you board the plane, the travesty continues. Everyone avoids middle seats, so once those are the only ones left, people start stalling. Some people get stuck in the back because they walk all the way to the back looking for a better seat only to get turned back upstream, which creates further gridlock. Other people are guarding middle seats, pretending someone is seated in them because they want their middle seat left empty, so they don’t have to sit by other humans. I GET IT. But it does create a mess.
If that isn’t enough, SWA is too lazy to even tag your bags.
Tagging Your Own Bags
Yep, when you do self-check-in at SWA, you print your bag tags and have to tag your bags. This means tons of confused people or people that tagged them wrong (yes, this happens) forcing SWA employees to retag them. It’s a genuinely ugly scene. It reminds me of the Red Wedding from Game Of Thrones. I don’t work for the airport. I don’t know how to tag my bags. I keep waiting for them to ask me to fly the plane.
Flying on SWA means playing games. I have no idea who told any of these stewards or stewardesses that playing games are fun, but they were sorely mistaken. I just want to put on my headphones and try to forget that I am flying. I do not want to see how far back we can get a toilet paper role to go. I always get booed when the toilet paper falls on my shoes because I refuse to participate. Um, I don’t want to touch toilet paper. Where did they get the toilet paper? Does no one ever feel the need to ask?
I’m all for fun on flights, but let’s make that fun things more centered around taking off on time and landing without the landing gear failing. That sounds fun to me.
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