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Winter Haters, Be Warned, You Might Be Serial Killers

Winter Haters, Be Warned, You Might Be Serial Killers

Are People That Hate Winter Serial Killers!

You live in Arizona or California, or even Florida. You are proud of your state. You love the weather, particularly right now when it is a bit more tamed down and moderate in temperature. Florida is a little less humid while still being warm. Arizona is a bit less sweltering while still being warm.

You aren’t shoveling snow. But the rest of us are digging your douchery on Facebook. The annoying daily posts about how you live in a warm state and the rest of us live in a state that abides by the earth’s axis. The relationship with the sun is truly annoying. I’d rather it snow for days on my naked body if it meant not seeing another dumb Floridian posts again.

Here are a few notes for all of you to consider.

No One Cares As Much As You Think

Not everyone hates winter as much as you project them to hate it. Many people enjoy the seasons and find your babbling posts to be unrelatable. For many, winter is a time of beauty. White Christmases. Yes, snow can suck, but not as much as people going on and on about warm weather suck.

We get it. You live in a place that has warm weather in the winter. But you also live in a place that has sandstorms (WTF), killer pythons (WTF WTF), ground that opens up and swallows communities whole (WTF WTF WTF) Seriously, I’d rather live anywhere than a place that has prehistoric creatures lurking in some inhospitable swamp just beyond my backyard. When they use your neighborhood to film Naked And Afraid, you don’t have room to talk about sunny and 80.

People Are Counting Money While You’re Posting Weather App Screenshots

While someone was shoveling their sidewalk and garage door area, you were posting a screencap of California’s sunny and 78-degree day on Facebook. But it should be noted; you don’t have a sidewalk or garage or a yard or even a place to let your dog poop that’s not made of pavement or astroturf. People that take on winter have a much lower cost of living, but posting a picture of their mortgage payment would be wildly inappropriate.

A martini in Los Angeles cost the same as the tax on a Toyota Corolla in Nebraska.

Your Immunity From Condemnation Is Noted and Reviled

So you live in California, and you posted about how you went to the beach on Christmas, and for New Year’s Eve, you booked a patio at some vegan restaurant. You laughed at the expense of those who were putting chains on their tires and shoveling their sidewalk.

But you’ve got immunity when you crap goes bad. When California has fires, it isn’t as if everyone in Ohio can post “I just love going outside and not having ash rain down on me!” Or, after an earthquake, “ah, laying out on this stable ground by a pool!” Yeah, everyone else has immunity, and the cold weather states aren’t allowed to return the hostility. It’s a punk move. But don’t think all us cold weather folks aren’t taking notes.

People Who Hate Snowmen Might Be Serial Killers

I’m not sure that I can prove my theory, but I’m super suspicious. Who doesn’t love building snowmen? Isn’t that something most of us are born with as a part of our inner-child? When you hate snowmen, you are evil.

So yes, you might be evil. So how does that feel?

Stop being haters, people. We love our winter time. We love our snow and ice (ok, we don’t love ice, but you get the idea). We also fund your Disney Lands and Worlds every January so don’t piss us off too much!


By |2017-03-03T00:00:00+00:00March 3rd, 2017|Blog, Rants|0 Comments

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