How To Screw Up An Interview Like A Champ
You probably suck and no one really would ever hire you for any reason at all. That said, it couldn’t be any more important for you to not screw up with someone that’s been lured in by your inflated resume to talk to you about a potential job.
But all too often, people in this day and age do screw up interviews. Seeing jobs aren’t a dime a dozen anymore, you can easily looked past for someone less of a screw up than you are.
There are scores of ways people stay unemployed, but one of them should not be because you don’t comprehend how to approach a job interview. You don’t have to be a genius to sell yourself to someone, but the starting point should include a list of things you should only avoid. The longer you avoid saying something stupid, the longer you stay a potential job candidate to the employer.
So what do you avoid so that you can stay in the interview pool longer? Don’t ask the following questions and you should be good to go.
How Much Vacation Time Do You Get?
You need to sell yourself on the skills that should pay your bills. Asking about vacation right away indicates you are going to be sitting in a cubicle all day daydreaming about Southwest Airlines deals. Your trip to Sandals Jamaica is not why you are looking to get a job. You are looking to get a job to pay your electric bill before winter hits so that you and your cat don’t freeze to death.
I’m not suggesting that vacation days don’t matter, but save that stuff for the second interview. Focus on not being a douchebag in the initial interview and see if these people can be tricked into hiring you.
What’s The Deal With Sick Days?
When interviewing for a job, try to pretend that you don’t have a weekly hangover and the nasty flu eight times a year. Employers look to hire people that aren’t going to call in regularly and leave the team hanging. Just try to act as if you juice vegetables every morning and mainline vitamin C for a hobby.
What Happens When St. Patrick’s Day Falls On A Friday or Monday?
You’re a drunk. I know that. You know that. But your future employer does not need to know that. They shouldn’t realize that until you’ve been employed 90 days so that at least at that point, you can maybe sue them for discriminating against you for not being able to physically control doing shots of Jaeger at dive bars located off old highways.
If they know you are a drunk, they will expect your work output to suck. Even though your work output is likely to suck, that shouldn’t be included as a selling point. You need to focus on tricking them into hiring you. Asking about Boozer holiday time off isn’t the key to such strategy.
Do You Drug Tests?
Go to GNC and purchase your golden tea. Roll the dice, my friend. No need to tip off your future drug financier that you party under freeways occasionally and the recent “employment hiatus” had you “experimenting” a bit more than you normally would have.
Pretend you are Nancy Reagan’s walking motto.
Things You SHOULD Do During A Job Interview
Enter The Interview Room Like a Damn WWE Wrestler That Just Got Tagged In Corner
Get freaking pumped and look damn ready to take some pissy customer service calls or whatever the heck you are in for. Be hyper focused and prepared to own some s#$t. There is no reason to look like a sap. Don’t be drab. Get psyched. You want to give the impression that you are so damn ready to serve happy hour cocktails and suggest sides of avocado on burritos that they should just stop interviewing other people altogether. They maybe should even fire someone and give you the extra pay.
Dress Like a Biz Pimp But Not A Drug Dealer
Look sharp. Men’s Warehouse the hell up, my friend. But don’t dress like a Columbian street drug dealer. Don’t try to be the cool tie person, get a regular freaking link. Make the company think it would be OK to have executives and actual successful people walk by you during the day.
Confidently Answer All Questions
Go all in when you answer a question. No hesitations. This is for all the marbles. You need to seem competent. Odds are, the person interviewing you is just as stupid as you are and they are just looking to see if it appears you know what you are talking about. So look the part when you respond.
Conclusion: Follow a few simple steps, and you can be well on your way to not living with your parents.