Tomorrow is the 4th of July. GO AMERICA. I’m serious; I love this damn place. And you should too. The 4th of July is a day that we should all come together and love and respect all of our neighbors. That might even mean inviting them over for a BBQ cookout, even if they did vote for someone you don’t approve of.
But just because you take the kind and cool initiative to invite the neighbors over for a cookout doesn’t mean you can’t still be a jerk face. That’s right; there are things you can do to screw up a BBQ. And when you do them, you ruin everyone’s time. And then your neighbors will hate you forever and pretend they don’t see you when they are running to their car in the morning. You don’t want more awkward; you want less awkward. And as a proud darn American, I am here to help you NOT screw tomorrow up.
Let’s get started.
Don’t Talk Politics
Come on, folks! I think the past year’s worth of time has provided substantial evidence that we live in times that are politically charged. Almost all political banter ends in two people kicking one another in the face or pouring sodas over each other’s heads. These days are divisive times. That’s OK. No big deal. Just keep your trap shut about Trump’s latest tweet or Hillary’s hiking picture. Focus on love, my friends. Focus on America and perfectly charred ribs.
Don’t Cook On Some Dirty A$$ Grill
Come on, man! No one wants to see you put their precious bbq chicken thigh on what looks like pigeon poop and centuries old volcano ash. What’s under all that ash, Pompei?
Clean the grill. It takes only moments to do, and it will go a long ways in preserving confidence that your cookouts aren’t nasty disease riddled sanitation hazards.
If you choose to not clean the grill, for God’s sake, start cooking quickly so that it is unnoticeable. Just remember, you have to sleep with that ugly face of yours!
Wash Your Hands Between Touching Raw Meat
No one wakes up and thinks “I really want to go to my neighbor’s proud American BBQ and die from E-Coli. So don’t allow it to happen. Not only should you wash your hands, but keep your entire area sanitary. Remove plates and utensils which were previously used to touch raw meat. This isn’t rocket science, its just basic sanitary guidelines.
Buy Enough Food
Seriously, there are people that didn’t get to eat at your BBQ because you didn’t buy enough ribs? Get a count on your guest and tell the meat guy or gal how many you are expecting and let them help you with purchase estimates. If people starve at your BBQ, they will hate you forever. You can prevent being hated. Buy the right amount of food.
Don’t Overly Spice
Dumping habanero and cayenne all over your meat and potatoes and corn doesn’t make you the cool guy, it makes you a clown. The kids and the grandmas probably don’t want a death fury caked on their tongues and lungs. True chefs don’t just douse food in spices; they put the right amounts. Follow recipe guidelines and make non-spicy options. You are having a BBQ, not a colon cleanse gathering.
Use Temp Gauges On Meat
Seriously, you are going to search that chicken that you had to cut into nine times? Just get meat thermometers. They are cheap, and they will prevent you from serving up eyesore meats that look like they were carved up by a serial killer.
Plus, dicing up the meat will make it over-cook and lose the juices that flavor it and give it that amazing texture.
Don’t Take A Million Instagrams
Its a steak and ribs. We’ve all seen it before. The wheel has been invented for some time now. Keep your composure as a grilling chef and make it seem like you’ve been here before. No need to constantly be looking through your iPhone’s screen and posting chic “toaster” filtered bison patties. Be present. Socialize. And for God’s sake, don’t tag everyone you silly show off!!!
BBQ’s on the 4th of July are something people really look forward to. That’s why it is ultra-important that as the host, you don’t ruin it. America is depending on your competence in this area. Don’t let our Country down.